(notes on this poem: I have been in a Psychiatric Hospital twice now. Each time I spent 30 days. Both times I came into the hospital suicidal and very very dissociated. I was so dissociated that it was difficult for me to talk. I was fortunate to find a great hospital that had a trauma ward that focused on dissociation. For me, being hospitalized was a blessing. I met people who were like me! They understood what I was going through! They helped me to heal! And I am not talking about the therapists, I am speaking about the other patients. (But the therapists in this hospital were great!) I came to love my fellow dissociaters so much. Also, being inpatient is such a safe place, for the most part. The work was excruciatingly hard, but worth it! I have to say, that from time to time I miss the atmosphere, the friendships, that sense of family formed by human suffering and hope. If you ever think you need to go inpatient… please don’t fear it too much. Be safe! Find a good place and get there as fast as you can. The drawings above were sketched in the hospital. You can see the original poem written around a man behind the trauma ward’s locked door. Blessings to you! Jonathan)
INPATIENT
Flashback-city
somedays…
Yelling roaring pictured pain or
quietly floating away…
“Time for group! Everyone time for Group!!!”
And we begin-
Tearing ripping opening
those old wounds-
let it bleed
then crust
scratch it again
blood drips to the floor-
the putrid infected wound
turns slowly to a
smooth dark scar…
What a pain!
Yet, it is safe inpatient
So safe
authentic-real-honest
The public face cracks twists and falls away
Yes, to live with your own kind
Those who are so much like
Family
Those of us so broken that there
are days we don’t even recognize ourselves
as the
therapist gazes
searching questions for disaster
Always watching for hands shaky wrists hidden
“Any suicidal ideations?”
“Are you cutting, burning, pinching, pulling?”
“Meds! Everyone it is time for Meds!!!”
And bedtime
the door opens
nocturnal visits
by “the watchers”
checking for sleeping breath…
Inpatient… O yes
Memories and a wish
that once again
I was Inpatient
Hi Jonathan,
I like this poem very much. I am glad you found hospital a safe place and found the treatment useful. I am institutionalized and have been since 2007. I didn’t have the safe place you have, at least not for the first two or three years. It was only about a year ago that I began to trust my therapist and the staff enough to come out as multiple, and only half a year ago that I was diagnosed with DID. There are no other multiples on my ward, but my staff are good at handling it.
Astrid I think you are a brave and courageous woman. Everything you have been through–not feeling safe in the hospital for so long! and still! Coming through it all… Surviving… Changing… Growing… Hoping… And having two outstanding blogs that help other people…a service to your neighbor…caring for people you don’t even know!
I hope you will also read Far Country in this blog somewhere!?
Take care and be safe! Jonathan
The fundamental mteanl handicaps of dissociative identity disorder(DID) according to DSM-IV are amnesia, depersonalisation, derealization and identity disturbances. All of these was characterized with Self-sabotaging behaviors as a result of confusing roles which posses the affected person. As it is known the current psychiatric medication mitigates the psychic disturbances without improved the definitive outcome of this complex psychiatric entity. So, Your recommendation to accept the diagnosis of this complicated disorder presents a fulcrum to smooth-course the same disease. Your experience gives evidence quite well. This so much more, when we having in regard that our brain with its plasticity might to make miraculous things.
Dear Jonathan
Thank-you for sharing yourself with us
I was sexually abused as a child and raped at gun point in my early twenties.
I do suffer from anxiety and sometimes can be very impulsive
I do believ in God but sometimes,and am sure you hear this all the time,wonder there is so much misfortune and suffering in the World.Especially I think of innocent sweet children
I live in The Middle East and know the attrocities too well
Does God always forgive us when we ask sincerely
Thank-you
Elizabeth
with a sincere heart and faith in God. This is the pryear: Dear God, I know that I am a sinner and that Jesus Christ is the sacrifice for our sins. I have done the following sins (state these out) and I pray to discontinue these sins. I pray to receive Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior forever. In Jesus’ name, amen. I’m Lutheran and I like the Baptist churches too. You could check out a Christian church and also see about their weekly Bible study group as a good way to learn about God’s will for your life. You can pray to God about your daily life and have a Christian church pray for you.
i\’ve missed you so very much, but usarentdnd that sometimes things just need to be the way they are. i won\’t claim to usarentdnd the depth of shame and guilt you\’ve experienced, but i do usarentdnd how sharing a part of yourself can turn people away, and how painful that is. to be rejected for who we are is painful but recoverable. it\’s always a risk, when we reveal our most intimate selves to others but worth it b/c it roots out the bad apples and illuminates the ones that support you.the tara series is nothing short of amazing leah. i am excited for you and others that have DID. bringing it out into the light, thus allowing for more and more folks to recover and try to carve out some kind of peaceful and balanced life for themselves. YOU have been a part of getting that ball rolling and i hope that makes you proud to be who you are, b/c not many people have that kind of courage.one more thing, hello claire! take good care of leah and maybe write a story or two here if that\’s possible.xoxo to all of you,leah
Leah, this makes me so sad and I can’t really eplxain why. Maybe I’m sad about the fact that you felt such shame and guilt about your biology and were unable to share it with anyone, especially those closest to you. I really did enjoy meeting you a couple months ago, even if you were faking it up good at that point. If I had known then that Claire was back, it wouldn’t have affected my opinion of you, and it doesn’t now. Of course I don’t know the real, full you, but I met a part of you, and I liked that part. I have to tell you, that’s how everyone else works, too, not just DID folks. You let little bits of yourself out at a time different bits in different situations to different people.