1. I love my wife (even though we are separated and in couples therapy) I love her and always will. Angela does not believe I love her, and for me this is difficult. Like the rest of the world; we just don’t seem to understand each other. She feels lost. I feel lost. It feels like the story of the Tower of Babel has happened to us. Once we spoke the same language, now we don’t understand each other at all. And I love her. I love her, always.
2. I love my children. They are some of the best human beings on the earth. I am proud to be their father and part of their lives.
3. I hold up a good front for everyone… even though I may be going crazy inside.
4. I think about killing myself, often. But I know that I won’t. I have done too many suicide funerals. It hurts those left behind too much!!! It is a selfish act…
5. I feel like the end of the world is coming… I will die soon… But I also recognize this as a PTSD trait.
6. I love everyone I have ever met even my abusers. I hate them at the same time. I love Ms. Bloom, but I want to kill her… Hurt her…(even though she is long dead now.) How confusing is that!!!
7. I read constantly.
8. I can’t remember a thing sometimes. My mind just doesn’t seem to work right. I am smart, but I feel so damn dumb!
9. I love to preach! But sometimes an alter will come forward and look around. I will stop. Hopefully I look like I am thinking… in contemplation.
10. I feel very alone. I wish I knew other people who have D.I.D.
11. I loved my time in the trauma ward in the psych. hospital in New Orleans because everyone was dissociated or had dissociative identity disorder. I learned. I was understood. I was accepted.
12. I have cut. Several times an introject alter will cut me saying “You deserve this, John!”
13. I feel lonely. But at the same time I need to be alone. The longer I am around people the less I feel safe. I need to be by myself to recuperate from being around people. I feel safest by myself-alone. I am trying to be more social; trying to find a friend.
14. I struggle with what to teach my children. I feel like they are going to experience hell in the years to come… The world is going to fall down around them… There is such a continuing widening gap between those who have and those who don’t. I think we are about to be hit hard here in the U.S. But I also realize this could be a PTSD sympton!!! Still, what to teach them? how to phrase it? how to be prepared for the worse.
15. I hold my children tight, sometimes, when I leave the house for my place. I feel it will be for the last time.
16. I have alters… Laura, 3 Jonathans, Dear One, The Far Away People, Jonathan Older, and those who could be described as introjects–the crazy cleaning lady, the knife wielding man, the mask. I also have other alters that come forward… I don’t know who they are though. They feel pretty full-bodied.
17. I struggle with derealization disorder as well as depersonalization disorder.
18. I float, often.
19. I can’t stand mirrors. Sometimes I look in them and it is not me looking back. I was tortured in front of a mirror.
20. I am so hurt at how people treat other people. God, why do people have to be mean or evil. Why do we hurt each other so often. It hurts my heart.
21. So often I feel so strange living in this world. I don’t fit. I am too serious. I am too intense. I feel like I know those who come from “the pit”… that is, those who have been abused, tortured, and left in the ditch. We look at each other and there is recognition.
22. I am learning a lot about myself as I write this blog.
23. Believe it or not… I love to laugh! I have a dry sense of humor.
24. I have tomato plants that are 6 foot high! Wow.