When I heard “Clocks” by Coldplay, well, I just broke down. This song struck such a deep chord inside me. It spoke to my life unlike anything I have experienced. I am very thankful to this group for writing such great music, and especially, writing “Clocks.” This song has made it possible for me to make many connections in my life and again, I am very appreciative to Coldplay. The song “Clocks” can be found on the CD “A Rush of Blood to the Head.” This is a great CD and being you are reading this blog; I promise it will speak to you! First I will write down the lyrics to this song. Then I will go line to line sharing some of my life with you. I hope you find some connection, a place of healing, and a sense of love in these words. Take care and blessing to you and those you love!
Clocks by Coldplay
The lights go out and I can’t be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing
Come out of the things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head and a
Trouble that can’t be named
Tigers waiting to be tamed, singing
You are, you are
Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and the ticking clocks gonna
Come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know, singing
Come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities am I
A part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singing
You Are, Your Are, You Are
And nothing else compares…
Your Are, You Are, You Are
Home, home, where I wanted to go…
You Are-You Are
1. The lights go out and I can’t be saved
So much of my life has been lived in the dark. So many dark days-so many dark encounters. I think this darkness began with my days living in the house in Kansas City where a nanny named Mrs. Bloom abused me in so many ways (I was 5 or 6 when it started). In my early 20s or so things went dark and stayed that way. I remember one day sitting on my bed with my shotgun on the verge of shooting myself. I was at the end of myself and couldn’t see anyway forward. Also, during this point in my life I did have a sense of spirituality, but I always turned away from Christ. I just couldn’t do it! I was damned and turned my face against God. I also remember during these last days of darkness that the owner of the restaraunt where I was working kept trying to convert me-to save me-to bring me to Christ. Then one day he asked, “Don’t you want to be saved?” I looked him square in the face and told him, “No, no, I do not!”
You know, I was never a “bad” person. I just wasn’t a “good” person. I was lost, confused, always searching for a way to understand a past I wasn’t even very aware of at the time-always seeking in some way to recreate the trauma. Yes, dark days searching for something I could not find.
These are also days when I dreamed almost every night about being chased especially by Satan or by crazy satanic people. My dreams were terrible-so real! Also during these dark days I occasionally found that my body couldn’t move very well; so I stayed in bed and drank at night. And yet, as determined as I was not to be “saved” I painted all the walls of my apartment with crucifixes! How strange…
When I was around 12 or 13 years old I started collecting bibles. This is also when I started to read the bible. I also wanted to grow up to be a priest! At this same time I started to have several spiritual experiences. We lived way out in the country and I would walk out into a field, stop–my hands would lift up from my sides–hands stretched wide–eyes closed. In that moment it was like being connected to everything and everyone in the world. It was a web of life. During these times I would understand so much, about death, God and the meaning of life. Then it would end as fast as it came on, and very quickly the feeling of that mystical web, all the knowledge, would recede beyond my reach. These moments of peace came of their own accord–out in the country–by myself. I would just stop walking and it would start.
These were hard beaten-up damn days but there were many good days as well; being out in the wilderness, loving terrible storms that would rip through the Kansas plains, tracking coyotes on cold snowy days, and being stopped in the middle of a grassy field on a blue sky day when I would be confronted with what I have always considered to be “ultimate reality.”
2. Tides that I tried to swim against
I never did anything the “normal” way. I always fought against the grain of life. So a peaceful productive life was not to be mine. I chose a Hard Damn Life, and it has taken a heavy toll on me
3. Brought me down upon my knees
That last dark day I was so broken! There was nothing left for me to do. I couldn’t stand anymore so I found myself on my knees ready to turn the next page. And it is true, realizing your brokeness is a wonderful gift, but getting there can be such a hard-core terrible experience.
4. Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing
I did a lot of pleading in the beginning days! I begged for Light and an end to suffering.
5. Come out of things unsaid
O Lord there were/are so many things unsaid…
*Seeing the pictures move by so fast that you can’t really grasp them and not wanting to speak about what you do see!
6. Shoot an apple off my head and a
I loved adrenaline rushes–doing dangerous things. You see I never really felt physical pain, and so there were many things that I could do that others couldn’t… bar contests, fighting…etc.
7. Trouble that can’t be named
Well, my whole dissociative life!!! Only in the last three years am I able to see some of those places that have been cut out of the film of my life.
8. Tigers waiting to be tamed, singing
I think we all have tigers to be tamed. I have tamed a few and I have a few more to be tamed as well.
9. You are, you are
When I heard these words the first time I just broke down and cried. These lyrics and the last in the song are the most important to me. These words are confirmation of self–a self! And for someone with DID this can be terribly important! Yes, it is hard for me to have a sense of self. It always has been. Splintered and broken up as I am it is hard for me to understand “identity.” Sometimes as I am moving through my house, without thinking about it; I will say, “who are you?” This happens in the mornings, and I will reply, “I am Jonathan.” But this is not the whole truth, is it??? Also, life is so fleeting that I can adapt to most anything. I can get used to anything. Then the things and people that were, fade away. I can’t remember that well and so I transform into my present situation much easier.
Morally and Ethically and Christ-wise I now have a center, a core. However, in terms of my “identity” there is no real core. I am like a ghost. And yet, those words “you are” in this song have a way of breaking through all this and it cut me to the heart in a surprise moment. There were tears of joy and laughter! It was a moment of blessing…
10. Confusion that never stops
It is pretty easy for me to get bounced off center when people come into my structured somewhat hermit-like life. I get confused. I am not sure how to respond. Again, confusion is about identity–a core that holds you together. If you have a Core Identity then you can stand on your feet better. People are not so unpredictable.
I have always struggled to know what was going to happen before it was going to happen. But now!? For some reason it doesn’t work anymore. I can not forsee the future :-)! And so there is confusion. And sometimes I feel so innocent that I don’t understand things. I have lost my “worldly” view on things, and my innocence and simpleness cause me confusion out there in the great big world.
But don’t get me wrong; I perceive this “innocense” and “simpleness” to be blessings. After such an abused violent and disgraceful life I find these to be a gift from God…
11. The closing walls and ticking clocks gonna
Come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know, singing,
When you run out of places to run and time is running out–where else do you go to put your life back together again? Home! But nowadays I have no home. If I had my children much more often and overnight and dinner and fun and just living life; yes, then I would have a home. (custody battle) Now, though, in a very real sense, I am homeless!
12. Come out upon my seas
I have always conceived of my subconscious to be a sea that reaches out into a distant horizon that has no end–vast! I believe that we are all connected (the web)by this vastness; a supraconsciousness where we move in and out of each other’s presence. I also have come to believe that this vastness, this web, is also a living conduit to God called the Holy Spirit. And there are times in life when an “other” will wade out into your seas and you will both have a special understanding, knowledge, a connection.
13. Cursed missed opportunities am I
I have thrown away so much of my life! Sometimes this realization really stings. But sometimes, though, will make me appreciate this day that God has given me. I also try to impart the importance of today and how today effects the future to my children–decisions and choices! I know… my past is dark, full of regret and missed opportunities.
14. am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singing,
Again, I do have a solid moral and ethical sense to me. This question is important to me. Through my ministry (I am a pastor) this question has been a guiding light for me. This is one of those questions that everyone should ask of themselves!
But at the same time, I am pretty sure that I didn’t have these ethics (or they weren’t very solidified) until after Laura (a strong alter now integrated) found me. Yes, when Laura found me (Jonathan), almost in an instant, my ethics hardened. I was 34 or 35 years old at the time (immediately after the dark days). I was living back at home driving 20 minutes to rehab everyday. One evening I was driving home on the hilly Buhler road; when suddenly white fog filled the entire car. I felt a wonderful peace/love enfold me. I then heard a voice speak to me, (at that time I thought it was the voice of Jesus, but instead it was Laura), saying, “I love you. I love you. But you need to move faster. It is time to get going.” A moment later I found myself parked in front of a small grocery store at the intersection of Buhler road and HWY 61. I felt so good–renewed–a new person! Three or four days later I changed me name to Jonathan. I told my counselors at rehab that I was not going back into the restaurant business, but instead I would be looking for a seminary. My new life had begun!
In one moment on the Buhler Road on the Kansas plains–everything changed for me. Yes, I was already in the process of change–choosing life, not drinking, group therapy, being at home back on the farm. But it was on that road where everything changed for me. And I remember Laura saying, “I love you. I love you. But you need to move faster. It is time to get going.” Suddenly I was changed! I become a new being, a new person. I was Jonathan.
15. You are, you are…
16. And nothing else compares…
Nothing else compares with knowing that you are alive-vital-a self! In the movie Avatar, (if you haven’t seen it you really should), the native people greet each other by making a prayerful move with their hand and then say to each other, “I see You.” Beautiful! I SEE YOU! What wonderful words especially as we live in a society where no one really sees anyone… It is true, nothing else compares to knowing you are seen; that you are a self!
17. Home, home, where I wanted to go
This is my other favorite line. There is something so deep inside me that resonates when I heard this. HOME with my children. A HOME inside me–a being with a self! And most especially, my burning desire to return to the precense of God. With God. That is my true HOME. This is such a great yearning that I cannot begin to describe… Home is such a beautiful thought to me…